As you go through the varied seasons of your married life from newlyweds, to beginning a family, to raising a family, to empty nest, the amount of time and energy you have to devote to keeping your marriage relationship strong varies as well. Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could invest only 10 minutes a day in your marriage relationship and keep it strong? Well keep reading for the 10 minute secret. As married life moves into a routine, it's easy to develop some "innocent" habits that can be detrimental to the health, growth and strength of our marriages. Just like you need a balanced diet to keep you body healthy; you need a balance in your life to keep your marriage relationship healthy.
I find it interesting that of couples that my husband I and know, there is usually one spouse who is a night owl and the other is an early bird. This may not seem like a big deal until you consider that if you have children, the majority of your personal time with your spouse is after the kids all go to bed. Once all the kids are down, I, like most women, then spend about an hour "finishing". Finishing the laundry, the dishes, the whatever only got half done that day. Then I'm ready for bed.
(Yes, I'm the early bird in our family) However, my husband is just getting his second wind for the day and is ready to watch a movie, play a card game, talk, or is frisky. If the night owl tries to encourage the early bird to join in, the early bird will comply occasionally, but their internal clock will prevent them from participating on a regular basis. This can become frustrating to the night owl and can be viewed as rejection rather than an internal clock disparity.
Even if the night owl realizes the internal clock disparity, there isn't an opportunity for their relationship to be strengthened. The frustration can easily result in a habit of having the night owl watch late night talk shows, read, play electronic games or surf the Internet while the early bird is catching a few "z's". You may think that the best solution is to work on having the night owl or early bird change their internal clock by changing their sleeping patterns for a few weeks, then they will be 'healed' of their internal clock disparity. It's possible to change the internal clock of newborn babies who commonly have their days and nights mixed up. But it's VERY difficult to do with someone who has had this internal clock in place for decades. Plus, they have come to enjoy the time zone they are in and use either their late nights or early mornings to accomplish things of importance for them.
Here is a real easy solution that will surprise the early bird, and bring relief to the night owl and strengthen the marriage. If you're the night owl, here's how it works, when the early bird goes to bed, the night owl follows them and lays on top of the covers beside their spouse. (no frisky business just yet) The night owl then just talks, not about the current "honey do list". Talk about your feelings of the day (okay guys, I know you can do this). Talk about your feelings of joy, disappointments, or challenges. Tell your spouse what it is you love about them and connect on a deeper level.
Only stay for 10 minutes, kiss the early bird good night and leave. Now the early bird will have a perplexed look on their face, but just grin and enjoy the secret for a few nights. If you're the early bird, before you go to bed, go sit down by the night owl and tell them you have something you want to talk about.
If they are already in the midst of their late night routine, convince them that it will only be 10 minutes away from their task at hand. Then start talking about your feelings of joy, disappointments, or challenges. Tell your spouse what it is you love about them and connect on a deeper level.
After the promised 10 minutes is up, kiss the night owl good night and go to bed. As previously mentioned with the early bird, the night owl will probably have a perplexed look on their face. After a few nights of applying the 10-minute secret, share with your spouse how you had realized that you weren't having time each night to really communicate and you'ld like to keep doing this. I predict, they will gladly continue the 10-minute secret. This 10 minutes is great for the early bird, they are more than happy to give up 10 minutes of sleep for their relationship. It's also great for the night owl because they have now had some connecting time with their spouse, and don't feel frustration as they go about their night owl routine.
After a few nights of really talking, you'll be surprised at the new feelings that will come into your marriage relationship. As this 10 minute habit continues, you'll be amazed at the the continued depth of your relationship. As a side note, it really takes more than 10 minutes a day to keep your marriage strong.
It's critical that you also include a weekly date night and a couple of weekend get aways a year. Don't forget to "communicate" during other times of the day as well. This 10-minute secret is really meant to help the night owls and early birds be sure they have time each day to really connect. If by some chance of fate, you and your spouse don't have a disparity in your internal clock and are both night owls or early birds, you can still benefit from this 10-minute secret. Just be sure you end your day with 10 minutes of truly connecting with your spouse.
So try out the 10-minute secret tonight and enjoy every minute.
Beth Young is the Senior Editor of the leading marriage advise web site, MarriageAdvice.com. To download your free ebook titled, "101 Marriage Secrets" visit
